recently, someone in a discord server i'm in passed. i wasn't close with him, but he was in the server for about as long as i was (about 2 years) and he was close with a few other people in there. we've talked a few times, but never one-on-one. his death still shook me up. this is the first non-family member death i've ever had to deal with, and honestly, i knew those family members far less than i knew him. i'm bringing this up because when i tried telling people in real life what happened, i didn't quite know how to describe my relationship to him. friend? acquaintance? some guy i knew? what would he describe me as if he were here? it made me think about what my barrier for entry is for being considered my friend if someone only knew me from the internet and vice versa. i guess i wasn't alone with thinking about this; his passing sparked some discussions in the server about how we interact with the internet and other people online.
everyone engages in the internet differently, from the personal information we reveal and withold to how we perceive others and our relationships to them. i wanted to explore this a little and ask myself and everyone reading this about what we are doing online and if it's something we're personally comfortable with (and should we be comfortable with some of this in the first place? are the people you talk to online comfortable with it?). this is a bit of an outlier in the survival guide series as there are little to no clear cut answers/advice, but it still ties in to netiqutte, finding spaces online that you resonate with, using the internet with intention, and the personal information you give out online. treat this as a bit of a thought exercise, the answers you come up with may surprise you.
sidenote: i mention discord specifically way more than any other social media/online space in this because that's what i use the most and thats where i notice these things the most. a lot of this can be applied to wherever you frequent on the net.
discord server vent channels. private twitter side accounts. instagram close friends story. if you've been in, interacted with, or had any of these, you'll see where i'm getting at. if not, let me paint you a picture. let's say you join a discord server. you maybe only know one or two people, if at all, and everyone else is a total stranger. all you know is that you share some sort of interest in common, that's what the server is for in the first place, after all. you see a few channels, general, memes, vc... vent? you go in and all of a sudden you know what every single person who has typed in that channel is going through right now. a loss in the family, abuse, a car accident, a financial crisis. deeply personal, unsettling information about people that you do not know anything else about. maybe you click out of the channel and mute it, or comfort a few people with a hug react or a few kind words or maybe some advice, or maybe you also decide to post about something you're going through right now. are any of these things what you want to do, or did you feel compelled to do it? how do you feel about your actions? how do you feel about that space in general?
when it comes to vent spaces, i feel a bit conflicted. it's nice to be able to get something off of your chest, to comfort or be comforted, to get advice from people who share similar struggles. but who exactly are we sharing this information with? how many times have you used those spaces, if at all? what are you talking about in there? do you use it more than others, or use it more than non-vent spaces? if so, why? is it intentional, or do you use it without putting much thought into it? how does it affect your relationships with other people there? do people in real life know about these problems as well? do you have a support system in real life? are you able to build one? is it healthy or unhealthy to post personal problems in public spaces like this? where's the line? you may or may not go by a screen name instead of your real name, you may or may not talk about where you live or post photos of yourself or your surroundings. but there's a good chance you've vented to someone online before, or maybe posted about it online to nobody in particular. it's sort of a natural thing to a lot of us, but how much of ourselves are out there? what could people do with that information? when do the people you vent to stop becoming strangers and start becoming friends to you? is that reciprocated?
it's up to the individual to decide on any of this. some may only vent to their closest friends, or they may go find a place they're 100% anonymous in just to get it out without worrying about how someone you know may react to that information. not everyone has a support system in real life nor are they able to build one. vulnerability is a strange, complex thing and it's hard to gauge how people are going to take in the information you give them. there are some things i have talked about in discord vent channels or private twitter accounts back when i was on there that wouldn't dare to tell anyone in real life because of potential effects/consequences (nothing illegal, but if i told the wrong person it wouldn't have ended well for me). it wasn't because i trusted the people online more, it was because i trusted the people in real life less. is that healthy for me? is it something i should've talked to someone about in real life anyway if it ended up helping me? i've gotten genuinely good advice from talking about my problems online before, but i wonder if those people should have known that about me in the first place. again, i'm still on the fence about the whole thing, and both sides make solid cases. for people who have no support system in real life, what would have happened to them if there was no internet? what happened to those types of people before (very heartbreaking answers to that). but what makes people online trustworthy, if they are that at all?
a few extra questions about vent channels on discord, moreso directed to server admins: why did you feel the need to make one in the first place? do you think that people feel encouraged to vent more than they typically would because there's a dedicated space for it? do you think that amount of venting would happen on other channels if that space wasn't there? when people talk about their problems in there, how many of them are recent members? how many have been there for awhile? do those people have close relationships with other members there, and if so, do they use that channel more when they form tighter bonds with those people? what are your vent channel rules, if you have any? should there be rules for it in the first place? when do you or moderators feel the need to intervene, if at all?
think about the people you know in real life. who are your friends? who are your acquaintances? your enemies? partner(s)? who do you hang out with? who do you dislike but have to interact with because of your environment or other things outside of your control? some of these answers may come easy to you, but what if you applied those questions to people online? the lines may be a bit more blurry to you. think about how your real life friends for a second. how did they go from stranger to acquaintance to friend? when was it decided that they were your friend and why? do they share the same sentiment with you? what separates them from acquaintances or other people around you? these answers are probably not really cut and dry, but you might have a good idea on what they may be. have you ever thought about what people have to do for you to consider them your friend?
if you're anything like me, you might kind of just wait until they refer to you as their friend and if you agree with that, you're set. but what if you don't agree? what if someone you considered a friend doesn't feel the same way? after some time mulling over this, i think i would consider someone a friend if we've known each other for at least a few months and interact with each other regularly throughout that period of time, if i enjoy their company and they seem to enjoy mine as well, we share at least one interest, know some basic things about them (name, interests, likes and dislikes, things like that) as well as a few things that might be more personal, such as home life, relationships, things they struggle with, etc., and as a bonus, we've made plans to do something together before, like grab lunch or go to an event. this list is just what i feel personally, and this will be different for literally everyone else on the planet! this is why i'm so hesitant to say the f word out loud before the other person does, ESPECIALLY online, because things operate differently than real life. because of vent channels, i can find out exactly what someone is going through. does that make them any closer to me than before? would it make a difference if we talked about those same struggles we posted about publicly one-on-one? are there things that you would only reveal to people if you consider them friends, or do you consider them a friend because you've told them about those things? i don't use my real name online, and a lot of other people don't. is that no longer necessary in order to meet my personal friend critera? what about yours? when you're online and wanting to make plans with others for something solely on the internet, there's no physical space you're going to. maybe the plans are to call each other, or play an online game together. what difference does it make to you, if there's any difference at all? when we're in online social spaces, are we always hanging out with each other, or only when we do certain things together (we as in you and the people you talk to/surround yourself with online)? do you enjoy the company of these people, or do you just like what they post? is there a difference to you?
since these questions are open-ended and personal, everyone will have different answers and therefore will have different perspectives on what their relationships are to others. someone you consider to be great friends with might have just been being polite, or maybe someone you don't like considers you a friend. what should be done in these situations, and what should you do to avoid situations like that? i think it's a good idea to just be up front about it. it's best to figure out what's going on than have you or someone else feel uncomfortable or irritated over a misunderstanding in the way you or others are being treated. y'know what, what are your boundaries? how do you set them, if at all (if you don't then you should by the way PLEASE)? how do you react when someone crosses that line? how do you react when you cross someone elses line? how do they affect the way you interact with others online? do you know the boundaries of people you feel like you're close to? if not, then you should ask them about that to ensure a healthy level of communication and to avoid future problems. if someone regularly oversteps your boundaries without knowing, you have to tell them. if they do it intentionally, then it's a good idea to stop talking to them. letting yourself get hurt for the sake of politeness does nobody any good, please let your health and wellbeing take priority.
have you ever been in a place, real or online, where you feel like you don't quite fit in? like, you feel like you never really established any solid relationships with anyone there, no matter how much time has passed, or maybe there's been what feels like a disproportionate amount of conflict that you've been in at the center of compared to others. maybe there's a lot of people that have very different ideas about things, and that influences what the space is about and who it's for. maybe you actually have friends in that space, but even then, whenever you're there, even if you're only talking to your friends, something just feels... off. you like being in there, at least you think you do, but does the collective like you? do your friends' opinion of you matter in comparison to the general air of the place you are in? you're in this awkward position now. do you leave? do you stand your ground and brute force your way into belonging? do you try to change your behavior to fit in? if you do try to change, is it because you've done some self reflection and realized you are not the person you want to be, or is it solely because you would do anything just to stay without any of that weirdness?
finding a sense of belonging is a natural instinct everyone has. it can be traced back to when were hunter-gatherers in prehistory, just trying to survive. our brains do this funny thing where they don't catch up to today's times, so while these insticts of trying to fit in and finding out whether if someone else fits in were once necessary to our survival, they probably landed some of us modern humans an anxiety disorder or two. anyway, this probably has happened to you or someone else you've encountered. we are not meant to fit in every space because life just isn't easy like that. but who decides what people fit into which spaces? is it a majority rules type of thing, or does the creator of that place decide? what happens when more people that don't fit in a space outnumber the ones that do? ok, woah, the scope is getting way too big here, it's currently 5:36AM for me and i haven't slept since about 1pm yesterday so my brain is all over the place right now. anyway, sometimes you don't fit in and it's up to you to decide what to do in that situation. ask yourself, what is the purpose of this space? what are the majority of the people in there like? what do you try to get out of that space? are you succeeding? is there a disconnect between what the space is for and what you're trying to get out of it? are you only there because a friend told you about it? or maybe you like what the place is about at its surface level? it's important to make sure you're reflecting on these things, as there's a difference between wanting to enjoy being in a space vs actually enjoying it. sometimes, things don't work out, and it's okay to leave and find somewhere else to go to. maybe during the time you've spent in there, you've figured some things out about yourself that you'd want to change. you can do that with or without the help of the people there, it depends. sometimes you just gotta work it out yourself. maybe it will come to you naturally with age, or environmental changes. anyway, figure it out, but don't change yourself solely because you want to fit in, that never works and you're just going to feel a disconnect within yourself. sometimes it's best that you don't fit in.
i think this is pretty much everything i wanted to say about this, i would check back every once in awhile to see if anything's changed. also, let me know your thoughts on this, i love hearing feedback. there are some things i didn't touch on, like the line between curating your online space vs accidentally forming an echochamber. i think it's a discussion to be had, but i haven't figured out how to approach it or if it would even belong in this post. it would basically boil down to "sometimes you have to be uncomfortable and have people disagree with you, that is life, but like, you don't need to chill with right wingers or anything that would suck. just find people that challenge you to examine your beliefs and biases". actually, i think i talked about something like that in another survival guide post, but like slightly different. i was thinking about it when i was writing about the vent channel thing; it reminded me of this one time back when i used tumblr where someone made a post that was strictly against vent channels, no nuance allowed about it, and i commented something similar to what i said about my stance on it in here, and they replied with something snarky and deleted my comment and every other comment that even slightly disagreed with them. it made me wonder why they made that post in the first place. like, it's a topic that is begging to have a healthy debate, why deny yourself and everyone else that? i think they just only wanted to hear what they wanted to hear and not have to think about it any harder than they have. haven't we all felt that way before? we just wanna be right. but too bad, we can't be right all the time, that's not possible. challenging your beliefs good, echochamber bad, but also muting people/words also good, balance good, nuance good. okay, i had a lot more to say about that than i thought, but some of it is stuff i've already said before just in way better way. i'm going to get ready for class, you should think about the 50 million questions i asked you and let those answers clarify how you interact with the internet and how you want to continue to do so moving forward. i recommend taking a walk, no music no phone nothing like that, just think about it for awhile...